Au Pair Life: My Learning Experiences
After almost 4 months of being an Au Pair in Germany with no professional experience with children, there were a lot of things I wasn’t prepared for. Children overall are a lot of work (more or less depending on the age), but I love children regardless. I want to share my insights over a quarter of my Au Pair year.
Children are a lot of work!
My Au Pair children are 4-year-old triplets. All girls. In the beginning, I thought it would be fine. I saw how adorable they were in their photos and videos after I had selected my host family. I remember informing my mom, and her reaction was “oh my gosh!” I didn’t understand why she would think that until I got there. I had one week to learn what to do before the mother had to leave for 6 weeks. The kids didn’t like me right away which didn’t make it easier. I had to pick them up from kindergarten during the week, help clean their toys, make their beds, schedule all the playdates, and of course… play with them. Outside of playtime, you have to make sure they don’t get lost when you go out, and if they hurt themselves, you need to make sure they’re ok. At 4 years old, you can expect a lot of crying, and sometimes for no reason! Being an au pair required a lot more energy than I thought I needed to give, so I had to adjust and make sure I took good care of myself so I could function around them. I also remember the parents telling me I was too light with the children out of fear of being abusive, so I had to learn to be more direct with the children.
You have to simultaneously adjust to the culture
You’re not only having to adjust to a new routine for the kids (and also a new time zone), but also the culture. I had prior knowledge of German culture, but it’s another thing to experience it first hand. I remember being terrified of the mother from my first host family because she was so direct in a way that would come off as rude in my culture. I had to later understand, that’s just the way she is. As a highly sensitive person, it was hard for me not to take that personally. I feel like asking questions helps a lot if you’re curious. I know that Germany is very strict on certain things (especially with the pandemic). I remember having to ask a friend what the 3G, 2G, 2G+ means, and how often I had to get tested just to sit in a restaurant. I had already been to Europe before so I looked forward to the sales tax being included on the listed price instead of having to calculate that afterward.
You can feel lonely sometimes in the beginning
When I was in Celle, I was often alone because the parents were in another generation (old enough to be my own parents) and they already had their own friends. With the language barrier, I sometimes felt lost in conversations or felt excluded in some ways. I spend a lot of my time in my room since I didn’t know anyone and the pandemic made me skeptical of going out very often. I know my host parents wanted me to get out more, but I felt like it was too soon since the mother was gone for 6 weeks and I didn’t have a lot of time to do things for myself. I’m not a tourist type of person, so I wasn’t really interested in anything that was very typical to see. I think a realistic expectation of getting out more would be around 3-6 months after adjusting to a new family. This could depend on how active you are at trying to find new friends or how introverted/extroverted you are. I would say it’s a good idea to set realistic expectations on how long it will take you to adjust to your new life. We do have resources on how to start making friends with native speakers that I’ve found to work. Moreover, it’s important to make friends so there are boundaries between you and your host family. They shouldn’t be the only people you interact with for the entirety of your contract.
It’s Ok to change families; Problems will sometimes come up
I originally was upset that I had to switch families after not even 3 months because I felt like I was making progress with the kids and I had a steady routine. I was already thinking about traveling outside the city until I ran into pushback from my parents. I want to say that children (in my opinion) are easy to deal with because… they’re children. Their needs are a lot more simple. With parents, you’re likely to run into issues when it comes to parenting, how to handle the children, and more. I ended up switching to a family in western Germany, ironically, with a family of triplets 4-year-olds, and all girls. The only difference was that the parents were younger which helped a lot! Since we’re all in the “millennial” generation I felt more comfortable and relaxed around the parents. It became easier to talk to them openly and honestly about issues I had, they were more flexible about giving me days off since things were very different week to week. In life, problems will always come up, it’s just about finding solutions and communicating in a respectful way.
I will say that if you and/or your family decided to terminate a contract, you need to immediately look for a new family because you’ll no longer be doing what you’re there for if you have an au pair visa or residence permit. Find a new family ASAP! Don’t wait on that! Since I was really attached to the girls from my last family, I only had 3 weeks before my 90 days were up, and I didn’t get a chance to really grieve about how much I would miss them or give them a proper goodbye. I’m telling you! Children will steal your heart! Overall, you need to learn to build a trusting relationship with the parents because it makes it easier to do your job. You also have a right to be picky to ensure you’re with a good family that cares about you as a person and won’t work you like a dog. (I’ve heard stories!)
If you want to have kids, be an Au Pair first!
This is more or less goes in with my first point in this post, but being an Au Pair gives you a great experience in learning how to take care of children. After a year of taking care of triplets, I’m sure that I’ll know exactly what to do when I have my own and I’ll know what I’m getting myself into beforehand. Having children is no joke! It takes a lot of energy and time you may not have realized. I’ve realized at 24 years old, children at age 4 require you to teach them basic life skills. I have to teach my kids to not hurt each other, not to touch things that aren’t theirs, and try to make them clean up their own messes. This is also an age where kids are starting to separate from their parents as their own person since they rely on them mostly for safety. It’s biological! If this is not your thing, maybe older children would be better for you.
Good language skills are a must!
This is the obvious one. I know in Germany, you’re required to have proof of at least A1 proficiency as a part of your visa application. Personally, I think this is too low (but I’m a perfectionist). I arrived with an A2 certificate while I was still completing my online B1 course. I think B1 is a very good level to start with because you’re able to talk about many different things. I remember in an interview with my first au pair family, I asked them what language did they want me to use when addressing the children. The response was “nur Deutsch” (only German). When I arrived, the dad asked me which language he preferred. I insisted on German since we’re in Germany and later he told me I spoke better German than expected! :) I didn’t really understand the children very clearly at first and the mom didn’t speak a lot of English. If you’re a beginner, you need to keep this in mind, and I suggest learning and practicing your language skills beforehand will help you a lot. If the family can speak in English, that helps…but you need to survive in a situation where you will be required to speak the language. There are also possibilities for misunderstandings, and having proficient language skills can help you clarify information lost in translation.
I remember when I was getting adjusted to my current family, they had relatives come over from a gathering. The grandparents were there, but I was informed that they didn’t speak any English. My B1 level (which is the minimum standard if you want to work internationally by the way) allowed me to really be a part of the conversations and express myself to their extended relatives. As I mentioned earlier about loneliness, higher language skills can help you make friends with natives as well. I’ve heard in Germany that it’s common for younger people to speak English well since they teach it in schools, but in a nutshell, don’t assume everyone speaks English.
If you’d like to hear more about my experience as an Au Pair, tune into our new podcast series launching this spring.
